Wordly Affairs

This blog has been written to please and appease one of my male freinds , yes I never please my female Friends because it takes a lifetime to do so . Lifetime on Pluto calendar year.

EPISODE ONE : THE GENESIS

Revolutions …( not Matrix strictly ) often leave an impact on society in moslty positive sense .I take pride to be a part of “mankind” species which has an unfathomable capacity to achieve great heights in mostly achieving self interest. I am convinced that genesis of “MALL” and “MallMart” © 2008 , is female in origin else how do you explain an otherwise work loving , optimally dressed and minimally family loving Daddy rushing to them? (Malls not wives) .

Women for ages and ages ( not their ages ..of course!) have contrived plans to seduce and reproduce ….kidding..

….attract men and old men alike to achieve the seventh virtue …shop . Shop lifting was very lately proved to be a womanly discovery and I just like all you co-men was not surprised .

However, ( Note : “however ” is the best ever conjunction developed ..it helps to dodge your weak argument in most “upper class literary” style .

ex: What ? You dont get what I am making a point here? Alas ..its sad that I failed However I would hav eloved to explain it but for time …..)

Right from the “serpentine advertising ” of nothing more convincing than shop lifting an apple to poor Adam ( A-dumb? ) …to creating multi storeyed , multi display and multi parking facility with reimbursement on purchase ; She has erupted the MALL SYNDROME.

EPISODE 2: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE ……AND HERE AND EVERYWHERE

So much for the blame game . Now I would like to take you to the golden age where men ,women ,children , salesmen , clothing , iPods , burgers , more and more clothing , parking , trial rooms , economic discrimination live in close harmony under one roof. Well you must be blessed or sent by god as his favourite exchange student that you belong to this very “Golden age of Malls ” .

I almost feel nervy and I am writing with shaky hands when I list the essential components of a shopping mall.

• Should be extremely huge irrespective of the items on display even irrespective of peoples sentiments attached with the original land and its “better use” .
• Should have attractive saleswomen ( concrete proof of women’s involvement) who should preferably speak Swahili because their sales attempts would anyway be under shadowed by their eye shadows and “pure feminine virtues ” .
• Should have enough ( read as “obscenely too many” ) levels and escalators with food court on any random level such that by worm hole theory you can reach the toilets or an exit avoiding the actual display shops in no time .
• Should have artificially planted and genetically beautified tropical plants that occupy primary grouping points which cannot be by any chance or fate or wrath be utilized for their original purpose.I insist TROPICAL PLANTS like Date Palms ( smarties like you should get the irony on Date Points )

[ clues :psst ....note the italics. ]

• Should have exactly same or similar stock of cloths irrespective of brands or trends and should have exaclty different reasons for “Mall goers” to buy them .Note all ye sales and marketing people , the more unheard , irrelevant and unidentified brand name is highlighted in black and white the more people like me or God Fearing consumers fall for it ( ex: Gucci , DKNY , Weizmen , Mango , Snickers , Dharma and Greg , Shop Around the Corner , honey I shrunk the kids , Hamlet the Prince of Denmark )

( Hamlet the Prince of Denmark — clothing for the possessed )

Now the primary reason I avoid a mall visit even if I have to fake diarrhea to my freinds is that I cant stand people’s evidently close relationship gestures in public at the cost of a loser’s temperament.In simpler words ..people’s evidently close relationship coochie coo at the cost of a loser’s visual amazement.

Here’s an overheard conversation and I believe its always an overheard conversation …beat me!

Random guy : “hey…wat say we hang out the mall number 7364758 for the 19796,2575.899th time…huh ?”

Hip gurl : “Ah ….that’s the most essential part of our young relationship else love in general like other cool merchandise.. has no meaning ……wat say …we have the usual burger….hmm …ya …. at the usual cafe at the usual locale with our usual crap talk….hmm ?”

Random guy : ” works for me ..”

Hip gurl : “how about we spent overr 22.67 hours or so doing nothing substantially worthwhile but hmm ..ya …. loitering among other similar people and yes yes …ah ..why dont we err ..hmm ..ya ..why dont we ..catch some flick as long as its about love and relationship and fun and more plastic and more love and hip people ( giggle ) and ya ..,,,ya ..ya ….hmmm… y a…. i wonder they dunno make ne more suchya movies any more …hmm ya …hmm ya …”

Random guy :” works for me…. “

Shaq -o-neil raps in the background [edited for suitable audience]

” hmm …ya ………hmm ..ya …hmmm…..ya ……..hmm …ya ….hmm …..ya …

oooh .. oooh …. .so u feel we punk and neva got rid of our genetic skunk …cmon bitch me …itch me ya ..i even then deny …ma gul her needs to mall-me-fy ..

.hmm …ya ..hmm ya …hmm ya ……hmmm …ya …..hmmmm ..ya ….

oooh ooh …getcha …I need to toss my brain to get her a hi-fi

and she never never wud testify ..

ma man i tell ya ..wen I hav a fall …or crawl or brawl …i kick her ass and shove her in a mall .

.hmmm ,,,,ya ,,,,hmm ya …hmmy ..ya . …..

[chorus]: Ma ..Ma .Ma ..Ma .Shaq …ummm………Ycuk yuck ..yuck Shaq ..Ma ..Shaq …ummmm…down … town yeah ..down… town yeah ….”

Also overheard a similar but “matured conversation ” .

Married guy : “Hey why don we …”

Married guys wife : ” For the zillionth time I say …take me to this Andromeda Galaxy and The Survival of The Richest ® Mall or my evil self with metamorphose myself and you have to live rest of your life with an actual life like bitch …err ….witch! “

Married guy : “works for me!”

Married guys wife: ” I want you to fake some smile and show keen and approving interest in my shopping tantrums ..eating abhorrable stuff..and unending comparison with all perfect men out there”

Married guy : “works for me …”

Married guys wife:” I think you aint a crap listening to my high tone voice”

Married guy : ” works for me…”

Married guys wife: “GEMME A MALL OF MY OWN!!”

Married guy : “works for me…works for me…..works for me…..works for me…..works for me…..works for me….works for me….. “

buzzzz…Please change to side B for continued conversation.

Married guy: “……..This is an auto generated message ….please change side when completed ….

works for me…works for me…..works for me…..works for me…..works for me…..works for me….works for me….. … “

EPSIODE THREE: BRAVEHEARTS

Modern man awes and kneels unto hot babes and heroics of ancient times war heroes .The latter leaves him unsatisfied more than the former. To my knowledge , mall trip is close to feats like Armmaggeddon theme plot. I wonder how brave and sound and probably valiant would it be me , dressing up casually , driving up lawfully , parking like barbarians ,shopping like Santa’s elves shopping close to Santa’s deadline, eating like well-bred men , returning home with sense of relief .To any men this would be an ideal example to show valour and courage under oppression in today’s times and no man has any doubts about this!

Even the melodramatic price tags cannot deter a man’s path to glory , his sense of reasoning challenges the economic fatal facts and please the following is not a face saving technique used by men when men go to shop in groups.

Man 1 ( Faking rich ) : “Bud …..If this price high for you ?… well you can wash my limo and I’ll pay you this saleswoman… “

Man 2 ( Faking a modest rich ) : “Works for me .”

Sales-woman’s thought cloud : “Men are such scumbags …but at the abyss of Philosophy in Favour of Woman …He thinks I sell …He gravely understands my job !… ..”

( clue for pun : note the italic )

While shopping with your loved ones and fiances do not utter words like ” DAMN COSTLY ! , just see and move , we’ll shop ..think twice ….just another day in paradise , lets wait for end of reason ..err ..season sale etc ..etc ..” .

Mall etiquette controllers  would prefer robots over you for such misbehaviour .

Most people do not notice some otherwise important tags on designer shops like :

> ORIGINAL PRICE : 1377 Rs. : NEW PRICE 100 $

> Shoppin here is fake cake walk !

>Trial rooms have CCTV/Cameras.

>End of season sale : strictly for dummies.

>Buy 1 , get parking free , by 2 and prove you are versatile moron.

>Made in fdfdsifidf under Laws of the Land . No animal/outsourced employee was killed while making this stuff.

>Visa ©, MasterCard© , accepted . [PIN AND SIGNATURE VERIFICATION IS AN URBAN LEGEND AND DENIED LONG TIME BACK BY ARISTOTLE WHICH RYHMES with "Charlies Angels : Full Throttle". ]

>Your female partner would love you for this shopping .

On book store:

> This way to the exit ↔

On brassiere store :

> This way to the exit ↔

EPISODE 4: SOME FAQ’s

Q:Who invented them?

A: Some female .

Q No seriously.?

A . OK ..Some female.

Q.What about my kids security ?

A. It is covered mostly , the Mall not your kids security .

Q .What If I feel cheated?

A. We will give you free copy of Milli and Villi grammy performance original soundtrack to nullify the emotion.

Q.Is Government invovled?

A No . its just an illusion of economy boom and government does not sells you dreams. GOT THAT?

Q. Is there a limit to visits and not buying anything ?

A . this can be easily answered by the following equation

N = { ∫ ß . Τ } + Σ A .µ

where N = no of visits ;

ß = Boltzmen constant … fear of parole.

T = Temperature of your wife.

A = Some variable which can be ignored.

µ = another innocent variable for “display purpose only ” .

Q .Can we vaccinate our kids against it ?

A . For That you have to visit some Mall anyway to get the vaccine .

Q .Ohh ..sorry forget ..my fault .

A . We can answer this also if you please .

Q . How do Malls come up wiht out coming into notice ?

A . So were you.

Q . Are Malls computer controlled?

A . Nah , most malls work on manpower , we sacrifice average 68537,37486287 men , women ,beasts and managers per year to generate Man-power , hence the lightings and sub woofer sound 24/7 in an year.

Q .Do saleswomen and salesmen are really that courteous ?

A . yes , till you buy something .

Q .Finally , do we have intervention of UFO or aliens for solving parking issues in Malls.

A . err …hmm ….do not tell you female partners but the parking problem has been outsource to females of Andromeda Galaxy by the Mall Founders.

Far ..Far light years away on a distant solar system a sub normal IQ alien kid gasps at meteorite shower bursting into a huge Black Hole ® and queries this weekend phenomena to his Dad.

“#%@% xzbxvzc ,…!!!….. ugrfff ..grffhhh ..wyttzgxjyffgrh …” . Says the alien dad.

or

“kid …these are Earthlings’ weekend visit to the new Mall “BLACK HOLE” and do not asking irrelevant questions like why ? how ? and who ? cos your mommy has some explanation for sure …” Says alien dad.

In the background alien mommy thumps at the divine raps of Shaq -o-Neil.